 |
If you have set
yourself on fire, do not run. |
 |
If you spot
terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin
Diesel, yell really loud. |
 |
If you spot a
terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your
shoulder. |
 |
If you are
sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it
instead of seeing a doctor. |
 |
Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of
you! |
 |
To eliminate
smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand under a faucet with no sink. |
 |
Michael Jackson
is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary
eyes, run away now. |
 |
People, animal
corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being
sucked into the time-tunnel vortex. |
 |
Be on the
lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they
tend to rub their hands together manically. |
 |
If a door is
closed, karate chop it open.
|
 |
If your building
collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga
postures. |
 |
Try to absorb as
much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The
current world record is 5 minutes, 12
seconds. |
 |
After exposure
to radiation it is important to consider that you may have
mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your
head. |
 |
If you've
become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember
to close the window. No one wants to see
that. |
 |
If you hear the
Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower
in the corner or run like hell. |
 |
Your respiratory
and digestive systems are optional. Cast them aside if you
feel you no longer need them. |
 |
If you are
trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not
farting. |
 |
Survive a
biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your
knees, then rolling over and playing dead. |
 |
Do not drive a
station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the
hood. |
 |
A one-inch thick
piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation. |
 |
No pyromaniacs
admitted. |
 |
A quick family
snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack
may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve
precious memories for years to come. |
 |
That closet door
in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go
there. |
 |
The middle of a
terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on
your reading or paperwork. |
 |
If you see
colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke
yourself. Girls go for that. |
 |
If your intended
destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and
watching the cool light show. |
 |
If the weather
is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the
grass. |
 |
After all life
is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. Think
about it. |
 |
Your telephone
may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no
numbers on it. |
 |
"Wash your
hands" of traditional long distance telephone
providers. |
 |
Only the coolest
irradiated citizens will be allowed into the 'underground'
rave in the shelter. |
 |
In case of
emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty
item. |
 |
In time of war,
real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry,
please. |
 |
There is a
reason you failed chemistry. |
 |
Watch out for
people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt
off your back. |
 |
If you are
trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your
final moments with shadow puppets. |
 |
Radioactive
materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
-
individual dose
- family value
size
- neighborhood spray pump
size
- supersize! |
 |
Satellite photos
of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle
in Southeast Texas. |
 |
When the looting
begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we
have a few examples of high value, low
effort. |
|
This parody site was built for
fun. For the serious stuff, see http://www.ready.gov/
This web site hosted by Net
Atlantic in Salem Massachusetts, USA |
|
this site
sponsored by
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|
http://homeland.gov.safenow.org/
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